I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
