I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
