chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
