He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
