I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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