1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
