I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
