If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
