Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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