I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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