i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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