So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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