I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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