i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
