the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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