Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize