I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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