I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My vagina is very pro this idea
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
