i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
