Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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