You really coming over, don't trick.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
