Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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