I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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