The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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