I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
