he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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