my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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