I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
