I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
