My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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