so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
