i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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