not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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