how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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