I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
