FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We need to rekindle our bromance
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
