3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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