the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
