My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
