Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
