Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
