Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
