The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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