Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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