i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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