we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize