i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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