I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
