Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
