can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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