Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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