I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
