i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
