I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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