my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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