went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
