Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
