i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
