I cut my penus on the lid.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
