Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize