I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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