i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
