I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
