Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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