Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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