What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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