I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize