I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
i out mim tonsoeep
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