I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
