I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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