Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize